Sunday, October 17, 2010
Dear blogger, I know that a blog should be like used to write how your days are spent blahblahblah right? Yea, but I know I hardly right that on my blog. My blog is just for writing stuff I've been feeling. It's for pen-ing down these un-sayable thoughts. Feelings words can't express.
What's love like? Slept twice today already and while I was sleeping I was thinking about this question.
"Seriously, what is love? How does it feel like? Is it a two-way feeling?"
I don't know, been through so much that I feel weird that a girl would like me. I mean, I really don't know how to say this but....yea to me now..I don't know how to receive love. I'm already so used to loving a person who will never love me back. When she does, it just does not feel right. Heartbreaks are so common to me, pain is nothing new. My life carries on through this shit, and when happiness comes along the way...I really don't know how to react. It won't last, soon it'll be shit all over again. I'm so used to pain and hurt that it's nothing new. I've endured this much and what's more I can't endure?
I don't know how to love anymore, I don't trust it anymore. I don't believe in it anymore. Will anyone change this? I doubt so. But then, deep down in my heart, I know a small part of it is telling me to open up. Open up and trust in love once again.
"Boy, you've been through much. But that's not the end. There's more out there." That's what's the voice is telling me. But I'm scared, I don't want another heartbreak. I want a girl who will love me for who I am and accepts me for who I am. I don't want my feelings to get played. I don't want to be a toy soldier again. Fighting for you in a lost cause, dying for you. Someone you just send out there to fight your war. Do the shitty stuff while you sit back and push me around, order me around.
"Hope is man's greatest destruction."
9:55 PM